Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
