I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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