My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
where am i from again
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
