We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
