I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
