I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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