Your face is a jimmy john
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
