I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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