So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
