i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
