Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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