did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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