He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
