im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
