I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
