She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
