Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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