I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
