Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
