I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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