I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
