You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
