Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
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