I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
