I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
