My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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