I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
