opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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