I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
