she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
