Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
