Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
