I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
