24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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