trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
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