You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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