So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Drake has all the answers
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize