also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
