the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
