Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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