mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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