dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
