so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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