If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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