Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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