Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
cat food counts as protein by the way
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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