im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He better not be in your backpack
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
