Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
