There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
