Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
