Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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