his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Randomize
