I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
