note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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