I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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