My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
