so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
