You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
