i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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