Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
