Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
