Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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