nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
